Two of Coins

So I had a client today who was a schizophrenic, although I didn't know it right away. First of all, I have to ask - who gives a schizophrenic fifty bucks to go out and get his cards read? I mean, if you sent him to play the ponies, you might at least get some of your money back. And why does this guy need me to tell him inventive stories about his future? He can beat me at that any day.

Luckily, I was reading at the New Age store today, so I didn't have to worry about getting him to leave at the end of the appt. He showed up, maybe a little odd looking in that he had his hair parted way over on one side and his pants cuffs were a little high. But I'm not here to give fashion advice. Unless that's what they want. Anyway, he sat down very politely and said, "I have a question about my bathroom."

This is not a typical question, so, just in case he was some joker who wanted to waste my time, I said, "I have a client right after you. Would you mind paying in advance so she doesn't have to wait?"

He dug in his pocket and brought out his wallet. Gave me a twenty, two fives, and twenty one-dollar bills. On the side of each dollar bill was a tiny, torn hole, right at the top of the pyramid.

He saw me looking at the holes. "That's where the eye was. They watch me if I don't tear them out."

"What about the eagle?" I asked.

"Eagles look good, but they aren't very smart."

I turned one of the bills over. "What about George?"

He eyed me like I was crazy. "He's the Father of our Country!"

"Sorry," I said. "I forgot." I knew what I had, at that point. Let me say that I've met a few schizos in my time, and they have all been completely harmless, sad people, who will simply talk your ear off about Santa, aliens or God until you get up and walk away. This particular schizo had just paid me fifty bucks. "So what's the deal with your bathroom?" I asked.

He leaned forward and whispered, smelling not unpleasantly of licorice. "I need to know if they've discovered the trap yet."

I dealt out five cards. It doesn't take a ten-card spread to tell if a trap's been discovered. For all I knew, he was talking about actual plumbing. Knight of Swords, Temperance, Justice, Three of Cups, and the Lovers. Fascinating.

I tapped the Knight. "Have you had a messenger?"

"Oh, yes. I get those all the time."

I looked at the speeding Knight. "This one would have spoken really fast."

He looked interested. "Really? Usually, they talk so slowly, I have to record them on a cassette and fast forward it to understand what they're saying."

"Then I'd say this messenger is in the future." I looked at Temperance. "And he or she will come with an offer of compromise."

He looked a little angry. "That's fine. Really fine. After all this time and money, to be talking about compromise." His voice rose. "You tell them..."

"I'm just reading the cards. You're the one who's going to get a messenger. You can tell them yourself."

"Oh. That's right. I remember now. Or I will. Go on."

The next card was Justice. I pointed to it. "This time, the compromise will be a fair one. You should listen to it. Give them a chance to explain."

He shook his head. "I don't know. The last time I listened, there was all that smoke, and I got told never to sit that close to the television again."

Oh, great. Someone was going to find me next week and ask why I told this poor guy to try to flush his foot down the john. "Let me look at this again. I may have missed something," I said. The next card was the three of cups - three women dancing around, toasting each other. "Ah," I said. "Do you know three women? Maybe they live with you?" I was thinking he must have a couple keepers.

"No."

"You don't know three women? Three isn't very many. Most people know six or eight at least."

"Oh! Women. Yes. I know three women."

"These would be women who live very close to you. Maybe even in the same building."

He nodded. "In the bathroom."

"No, these will be outside women. Women other people can see."

"Oh, you mean Patty and her helpers."

I nodded. "That's the ones." I looked back down at the cards. Where was I? "Right. So the messenger will come with a fair compromise, but you'll need Patty and her helpers to interpret it for you." I looked at the three dancing women with their cups raised. "A bottle of wine might help."

"I don't like wine, but they wouldn't let me have any even if I did. They never let..."

I cut him off. "Do you like grape juice?"

He brightened. "The white kind. It's magic, because they take the color out."

"You're a smart guy. Most people don't know that." Did they take the color out? I thought it just came from those pale grapes. I'd have to look that up. "Well, offer Patty and her helpers some grape juice and ask them to interpret the message."

"Okay. Will I have to be naked?"

Oh boy. "You should absolutely not be naked, because if you do, the missing color from the grape juice will stain your private parts and people will laugh." He looked pretty scared at this, but I was determined to take nakedness off the table. Then I remembered we were talking about a bathroom issue. "But you can still be naked when you go to the bathroom - at least the parts of you that need to be naked. Do you understand what I mean? Just don't take your grape juice in there with you. Or Patty."

"That wouldn't be very hygenic," he said.

I assumed he was talking about the juice. I couldn't speak for Patty. "That's right." I looked at the cards. It was fairly tiring trying to stay on top of this conversation. "And our last card - this is the important one - is The Lovers. Do you see the angel in the background?"

"I see angels all the time," he whispered.

The guy was breaking my heart. "Well, the messenger is going to come with a proposal of marriage. That's going to be the compromise. If you want, you can marry someone from their side and keep her with you all the time, even though she'll be invisible to most people. It's like when a prince from one country marries a princess from another country, so they can stop having wars."

He looked amazed. "I never thought of that. And I'm the prince."

"I could tell that right away about you. So what I suggest is that you go home and make a little gift. Something pretty, maybe with some aluminum foil to make it shiny."

"And flowers," he said.

"Definitely flowers. You could even cut the aluminum into flower shapes." Should I be encouraging this guy to use scissors? "Or maybe, you know, just scrunch it into crinkly flower shapes. That might be even prettier. And that's it. We're done!"

He started to get up. "Just a minute," I said. "You weren't here very long, so I'm not going to charge you full price." I looked at my watch and counted out thirty-five bucks. Then it occurred to me that he might come back every damn day, since I was so amiable. I handed him the money and looked around. "But I want to warn you about something. If you come back and there's someone here who looks just like me, but she doesn't remember any of this, then you need to leave, because that's my evil twin and she'll tell you lies and overcharge you."

He gave me a suspicious look. "You don't have an evil twin."

"Yes, I do. Honest." I nodded like crazy.

"If you don't want to do another reading for me, you can just say."

Jesus. And people say I don't earn my money.